My lovelies! Hello there.
The latest installment of The Constellations is to be found here.
How do you update ancient myths about charioteers and goats?
With Kendra the Uber driver, a superstar called Capella, and a nameless but adorable nanny goat in a Suburban, that’s how.
Yup. My brain is wonderful, and weird, and you love it.
Believe it or not, this story has been rattling about in my head for at least two months, more or less completely formed.
It’s been making quite a racket up there, and I regret not getting it out sooner. Sadly, even mischievous creatures of midnight and mayhem such as myself occasionally get caught up in nonsense like kitchen appliances and bathroom shelving. And taking up residence in a land whose official motto is “Live Free or Die.”
Freedom FTW, obvs.
However, you know, a proper lair needs a place for my teacups, as well as my arsenal.
Never fear, I remain absolutely committed to my lifestyle and to bringing you the finest free stories about the constellations to be found anywhere on the internet.
Background
Right. Auriga.
This constellation is The Charioteer… and also The Goatherd.
Bet you didn’t think I could write a story with that, now did you, my pretties?
Hah!
This seems to be a fairly ancient constellation. The Greeks associated it with Erichthonius (son of Hephaestus, earth-born but raised by Athena, and geez does his birth story have major squick factor). Erichthonius was a king of Athens; he instituted the Panathenaic Festival and invented the four-horse chariot (possibly because he was lame). Apparently this was such a great invention that Zeus granted him a place in the sky.
No goats there, though.
Auriga is a bit of a constellation within a constellation, which eventually evolved into a mashup constellation of a charioteer who inexplicably is carting around goats. One of Auriga’s stars is Capella (Alpha Aurigae), the sixth brightest star in the night sky. It’s not a single star, really, but a quadruple star system. Capella means “she-goat,” and this star represents Amaltheia, the goat that nursed Zeus.
The problem with taking care of baby Zeus? He snapped off one of her horns, which he then turned into the cornucopia.
Yes, that cornucopia, the funny-shaped basket with all the fruits and veggies coming out of it at Thanksgiving. It’s actually the horn of plenty, a real goat horn in classical myth that was an inexhaustible source of nourishment.
But, wait- someone rebooted the story, and Amaltheia was the nymph who owned an ugly-ass goat… and an oracle told Zeus to skin it and use its hide as a cloak. This was the aegis of Zeus, which was impenetrable and protected him and terrified his enemies (including the Titans).
Zeus then put the goat bones in normal goat skin and made a star out of them.
…… and you think my stories are weird.
Anyways.
Not to belabor my brilliance, but I’d like to point out that I cleverly named a (super)star after a star in this story.
Actually, no. You can’t belabor that kind of brilliance.
Miscellaneous NJ trivia
“Go down the Shore”: This is an authentic dialect butchering of grammar, an expression that means one is going to the beach in New Jersey.